Solutions To A Sore Throat
by Perryels
Summary: Take it from Mello. He knows what he's doing. Warning: Do not try these solutions at home. Plus, possible risks of videogame destruction.
1. Chapter 1

**One of those ideas that came up on the spur of the moment...**

**Enjoy.**

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**Solutions To A Sore Throat**

Matt woke up one morning only to realize he had a sore throat. But it wasn't just a sore throat. It was an extremely excruciatingly painful kind of sore throat – a special case. It was itchy, badly enough for him to want to reach inside his mouth and scratch it, and it also hurt. Hurt like it had barbed wire around it. And Matt felt very, very uncomfortable.

When he swallowed, it felt like swallowing a cup of nails, and when he tried to speak, he ended up sounding like a squealing pig.

Poor guy.

It must've been from all that screaming and shouting he's done last night…at the videogame convention, you perverts.

But luckily, Matt had Mello around. And no – Mello wasn't acting like a whiny bitch on their period (man-period, in Mello's case). This time Mello sincerely wanted to help. And fuck, the apocalypse must be nearing. Matt thought anxiously, seeing Mello more optimistic than ever.

"It's your lucky fucking day, Matt!" Mello announced proudly. "Since I'm such an awesome best friend and I do actually care for you despite all the mean things I've done in the past, like accidentally smashing your brand new boom box because of my anger issues yesterday and I'm helping you out now not because I'm actually repenting for it…"

"So it was you! That's why it was all in smithereens when I got back from the grocery!" Matt squealed and squirmed at the pain that suddenly attacked him for speaking. _It burns!_

"I didn't understand a thing you just said, but anyway, I'm here to offer you a helping hand…"

_Helping hand, huh?_ Matt sat back up at the couch after falling off from squirming too much. _Okay, fine. Since I badly need treatment right now, I'll let you do your thing_. And with that Matt nodded, signalling that he he'll go along with whatever Mello had in mind. Like he had a choice though because Mello, being an assertive type of person, would've forced him anyway.

"Don't worry, Matt. I've lots of experience from this back at Wammy's due to yelling at Near all the time, so I know exactly what to do. I'm like, a fucking expert!" Mello continued to boost his ego as Matt continued to loll his head lazily at the arm rest of the couch he was lying on.

Mello took out a very, very long list from one of the drawers of the desk that was somehow misplaced in their living room. This list was entitled: _the solutions to heal a sore throat_, and as Mello unrolled it, it looked more than a scroll than a damned list. Yes, it was ridiculously long.

The top of the paper fell from Mello's chest level, where he was holding it, to his waist, and it was numbered from 1 to how many numbers Mello was able to fit in it.

Each of them was a solution to a 'sore throat' Mello had formulated back in the days.

"So, Matt, are you ready?" Mello turned to Matt.

_That depends, ready for what?_ Matt got up nevertheless.

A little while later, Matt was staring down at a glass filled with magenta-ish coloured liquid – that had better not been poison! Yes, Matt was paranoid when it came to drinking foreign things. The liquid bubbled a bit and Matt already knew he was going to get sick.

"Well?" Mello said, waiting for the gamer to do _something._

Matt took a breath, _here goes nothing_, squeezed his nose and took it into his mouth like a tequila shot.

"By the way, you're supposed to gargle that, so _don't_ swallow it!"

The liquid was half-way down his throat, when Matt spat it out, making a complete mess in their living room. Oh, looks like they have a new design on their wall: Matt's spit.

_Now you tell me_… Matt glared at Mello, wiping off the liquid that dripped from the side of his mouth.

"Aw, seriously, Matt. Look what you've done to our walls. Don't you know what oral antiseptics are?" Matt shook his head apathetically. But ever so quickly, Mello had already prepared solution number two. It was in another glass, but this time filled with transparent liquid. "Okay, so these are salt gargles. _Gargles._" Mello said, emphasizing the last word.

Matt rolled his eyes at Mello's sarcastic tone but nevertheless took the liquid to his mouth. The salty liquid made swishing and bubbling sounds (that might've sound highly disturbing especially the way Matt was doing it – the gamer was having fun with it) before he spat it out into the kitchen sink.

He opened his mouth and tried to speak, but to his dismay he still sounded like a squealing pig and his throat was still in pain. Matt made his way back to the living room where solution number three awaited him.

Mello had handed something that looked like a piece of candy. It was circle wrapped in a square shaped foil with the text in orange. It said: 'guarantees a sore free throat or your money back'. Matt unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth, leaving it there 'til it was completely dissolved.

"Well, how was it?" Mello asked a few boring minutes later. Matt shook his head. Mello glared at the wrapper that Matt was too lazy to throw out, and instead just left it there atop the coffee table. "Oh, I want my money back, alright."

By the end of the day, Matt had basically tried almost every single 'solution' Mello had in his list. Some of which included Matt having to swallow a Jalapeno pepper WHOLE; one required him to sing (at least try to) sing a song on the eighth octave (which he obviously failed at). Another had him drinking citrus juices (all of them) – not too bad, but it definitely tortured Matt's taste buds. And there were so much weird stuff on there! Matt noticed that the further they progressed through the list, the weirder the stuff gets!

He was kind of relieved now that they had already stopped, but none of them actually worked – much to Matt's dismay and complete annoyance. He went through all of those bizarre, crazy stuff for nothing.

It was just…sad.

"I'm surprised! We tried almost everything on the list and none of them, not even the slightest, worked!"

Matt was surprised Mello even had a fucked up list like that. No. He was even more surprised at the thought of Mello actually _doing_ it.

Matt shook his head, but Mello wasn't about to give up just yet. He will heal Matt's sore throat and he will get his voice back, no Matter what means possible. So it is said, so it shall become.

"Matt, I have one last try on you…" Matt groaned ('cause that was all he could do at the moment – make weird barbaric sounds) "…and this time, it won't be on the list." Matt lit up.

_This better be good…_

Mello had gone out of Matt's sight, and suddenly, Mello came back in, this time with Matt's Xbox in hand. He put it down on top of the coffee table, just within Matt's line of view, and Matt without even being able to make sense of what the hell Mello was doing, the blonde had taken out is gun and shot the poor game console.

Smoke emitted from it. And some plastic parts flew across the room.

There was a dramatic pause. Processing: 99.9%

"_** ~!**" _Matt yelled, maximum force of his voice for the longest time. Then Matt started crying, crawling to his demolished Xbox, taking it to his arms and rocking it back and forth. "NO~! Shh… It's okay, daddy's here. Everything is going to be alright."

A triumph and satisfied smile had appeared on Mello's face. "Well, what do you know? It works!"

Matt snapped his head back at Mello, and growled, "You don't say?"

Right now, Matt just wanted sometime alone.

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**Actual Xboxes were harmed in the making of this story – at least, Matt's Xbox.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's an extra on Mello's actual list. It should've been longer, but I ran out of things to write.**

**From 1-8, I searched them online, so credits go to whoever thought of that, and as for number 9 onwards, all gibberish. I highly discourage you try **_**any**_** of them. ****Don't end up like Matt.**

_*The author is not responsible for further damages inflicted on an already sore throat. (Sorry, Matt, for the repetitive abuse. T^T)_

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The solutions to heal a sore throat:

1. Take oral antiseptics (follow instructions included in the packaging)

2. Gargle salt gargles/solutions

3. Take solid antiseptics** (Take your money back. It doesn't work)**

4. Drink some tea mixed with lemon and honey

5. Drink honey mixed with black pepper

6. Drink ginger mixed with honey

7. Rub oregano over neck

8. Lemon juice

9. Citrus juice

10. Orange juice

11. Eat a Jalapeno pepper whole

12. Sing an eight-octave high song

13. Squirt lemon juice on eyes and hope to forget the pain

14. Spin around in a tutu with one foot and repeatedly say your name until you're tired

15. Laugh like Spongebob, feeling the vibration in your throat

16. Sing the _Figaro_ song while doing a backlip

15. Drink a glass of Coke with a Mentos in your mouth

16. Slap Near 'til your throat feels better

17. Visit the orphanage's clinic

18. Scream at Roger

19. Drink a glass of hot sauce

20. Have a foot massage

"Twenty-one… Hmm…"

"Mello, seriously, would you drop that list already?"

"No. I'm editing it 'cause none of them fucking worked on you."

"Oh, so it's my fault? When _you_ were the one who insisted…"

Mello ignored Matt, and stared down at his list. "AH! _Destroy one of Matt's videogames_..." Mello wrote on the paper.

"Ugh. Whatever."


End file.
